24 Oct How I Feel About My Body

Every few years I post nude photos of myself on my blog. It feels only fair, somehow- I have all of these beautiful brave women who let me show off their boudoir photos, if I’m not willing to show the same vulnerability how can I ask it of them? Also, I have been accumulating these beautiful photos and would like an excuse to show them off. There’s only so many times you can send your husband a nude when he’s in a council meeting before he stops spilling his coffee.

Where I started

I was 19 when I had my first child. I had barely had time to get to know the new adult shape of my body before it became a mother’s body; soft where society said it should be firm, sagging where youth used to defy gravity. A friend, lovingly and tactlessly, told me not long after I gave birth that my stomach felt like pizza dough- “Really GOOD pizza dough!” they hastened to clarify. It was meant as a compliment (how neurospicy are my friends? ALL OF IT) and while the comment didn’t hurt, I was not as thrilled with my pizza dough stomach as they were.

So I didn’t wear crop tops anymore, and I felt self conscious about my stretchmarks and the sag in my stomach and breasts. I could still feel sexy, in the right bra and a good outfit, and I wasn’t shy, but that awareness was always there. I was embarrassed by the thought of someone seeing my naked breasts, and persistent in the back of my mind was the thought that I should try to exercise my stomach flat, or even the occasional wistful thought that there were surgeries for this or that.

Self love is a choice you can make

Becoming truly comfortable in my skin didn’t happen overnight. It wasn’t even something I thought to want until I’d been a boudoir photographer for a few years and had started to discover how much more I could do with a shoot than just take pretty pictures. I was having increasingly deep and meaningful conversations with my clients, trying to help them to learn to love their bodies and let go of past traumas and disappointments, but I didn’t really connect that to my own experience because I was okay with not being okay- everyone has parts of themselves they don’t like, right?

Eventually, though, I started to realise that if I was going to help other people love their bodies, I was going to have to walk that road with them. My first baby step was to start wearing crop tops again sometimes (the high waist trend helped ease me into it, I’ll admit). It was not at all comfortable at first, but that changed more quickly than I thought it would. Then my life sped up; the women at the New Orleans destination boudoir retreat had a spontaneous naked pool party and I couldn’t exactly not join in, could I? Then I did the Leaving Marks Nude Art Project. Being naked became utterly normal for me, but I still didn’t much like those bits of myself. Gravity is a bitch.

How I made it

I remember a couple of specific moments when something shifted. The first was a night when I was lying in bed, put my hands on my bare stomach, and tried to experience the way it felt as though I didn’t have any preconceived ideas or expectations of what it should be. 

And it was nice. Soft and warm and not at all full of failure or judgement. Just a stomach.

The second was when I got a message from a lover that mentioned “the sunburst stripes on your stomach” – casually, as a poetic description of a feature of a body he desired. Things with us were new, and I’d been uncertain about what he’d think of the not-taut parts of my body. That moment was when I realised that I could be desirable as a whole person, rather than desirable despite my flaws. Never underestimate the power of your words, my friends.

I continued to do the work- took selfies and looked for things I liked rather than things I didn’t, ran my hands over my skin, enjoyed the way my body felt and looked when I danced. Not physically hard work, but doing those things mindfully is still pushing back against the societally ingrained self-judgement we’ve all been taught. If you don’t do them, give it a try. It helps.

Where I’m at

And I really like my body now. There’s no part of it I hate. I have long since stopped letting the (often imaginary) negative opinions of others dictate my self-worth, and I do my best to let compliments land and to believe them when they’re given. I am comfortable with myself with or without clothes.

These days I’m working through some new adjustments; aging, the fact that Long Covid has left me unable to do martial arts or obstacle course races or run, the tiny entropic changes that time works on us all. There are things I plan to change, like figuring out how to build muscle and increase my stamina, but I can cherish my body the way it is now and still have goals for it. Learning to age gracefully is going to be a new body of work (ha), so stay tuned. 

Legal line: I have skinny white girl privilege. Learning to love your body is different for everyone, and a very different process when your body is marginalised and erased in popular culture, which is why I work so hard to make sure my boudoir portfolio contains everyone. This post is only intended to be my story, not a how-to guide This shit ain’t easy, so don’t for a minute think I’m saying it is..

Another note: Some of these photos are beautifully posed. Some are ridiculously candid, taken when a fish nibbled my bottom. I included them both because it illustrates so well how much posing matters to our perception of bodies.  It’s the exact same body, and it’s exactly as worthy when you can see the stomach wrinkle and the boobs flop as it is when it looks smoothly sensual. You probably spend a lot of time, consciously or unconsciously, comparing your unposed fish-snack body to the perfectly posed ones in magazines and even boudoir photos. Quit that shit!

(If you want to see how beautiful you really are, book a shoot with me. No fish snack photos here!)

The photos!

Again, these are NOT SAFE FOR WORK unless your work is a particular kind of awesome, and if you don’t want to see me without my clothes on, ditch now. It’s not weird for me, but if it’s weird for you, go look at some kittens instead!

These photos were taken in a river in Costa Rica in between the Fearless Destination Boudoir Retreats I hosted there. My BFF Colette and I swapped off, taking turns coming up with poses and holding the camera, and I adore the results. I’m about due for a post about Colette, too, so stay tuned for hers!